Life

Hi!


Do you know what is most tiring in the world? The thought of waking up each morning not knowing if you should go on or just wait for your demise. It is you, at 3 in the morning trying to convince yourself that there is still life out there. It is you, with your mind actively thinking every chance you've missed while your body demands rest.

What they don't tell you about life is that you have to live it. Every single day.

What they don't tell you is that there are no upsides in growing up. Better to die early than to live with all the pain you'll endure and will carry for years.

And for people with nothing to live for, every single day is a burden. This is why sleep is one of the few luxuries people like me have. Being awake is task enough. Being "present" is a lot of hard work.

That is why I choose to isolate. I don't have the strength to socialize. To make authentic conversations. It's either I want to sleep or to not wake up.

Because reality after all, is a nightmare pretending to be a dream.

Sincerely,
ghostvines15

Thanks!

Hi!

This is just me saying thank you.

I never had it easy. But most of the time, I feel that I had more than what I should. I am thankful for all the oppurtunity granted to me by all of the wonderful people I've met. Shame, I only turned out to be a disappointment, but that is a talk for another time.

When you are okay, it easy to miss the little things thay happens to you. And when you are in pain, you notice every little thing. And it is not just "notice", but a full awareness of everything happening. It is you deciding whether to take what's offered or not because you feel you don't deserve anything anymore.

I'd like to thank the people who stopped and asked if I were okay. I know, I lied. But I lied because it is hard to admit to someone that all I think all day is how to fucking end myself without hurting everyone around me. I lied because other I know that people have enough problems of their own to deal with. I lied because I thought I don't need help. For I always did things on my own. It is either I do stuff myself or I help other people. It never occured to me that I am allowed to ask for help. Still, to these people, thank you for noticing.

I'd also like to thank you. I promised not to name anyone but I know you know who you are. You've been there even though it wasn't your responsibility to be. You stayed even after I pushed everyone away. Maybe it is a little bit overreacting but you are the greatest thing that happened in my life. I apologize for not being able to return the favor.

We all wanted purpose. It's just that some of us lose it and never finds it again. Or maybe some of us don't really have any. Or maybe some of us don't notice how much they can still do because nobody appreciates them.

Thank someone today. I don't know much about being a good person but I know that people with purpose don't think of the same thoughts I have.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,
ghostvines15

Sorry

Hi!

This is an apology. This is me saying sorry for being a disappointment to everyone. This is me asking for forgiveness for every mistake.

This is me trying to make things right.

I know, what I'm about to do is unforgivable but maybe this is the only choice I have. I don't know what should I do. Honestly, I don't know how to go on anymore, so the logical thing to do is to stop existing. Maybe I'm wrong, bit who cares anyway.

I'm sorry for those who thought that I might be something. I'm sorry that despite all my talk of changing the world, I turned out to be another problematic being that didn't fo anything at all. I tried, but maybe like all of the things I wanted to, it was never meant for me.

I know one of these days, you will all forget about me. All I ask is that you try to be better than what I am. While I am all potential and no results, try to be something else other than that.

Be better even though I can't. Be better while you still have all the chances in the world. And don't forget the help those who are struggling to be better. Maybe you are the last chance they got.


Sincerely,
ghostvines15

Welcome!

Hi!

I don't know how to start but here is a confession:

I started this blog two years ago to serve as a space to dump the depressive thoughts I have been having for years now. I never really got to writing anything because I tried my best to live. To find reasons to keep on fighting. To find meaning in life so I won't seek the comfort of death anymore.

Two years later, here I am. And I think I failed.

I failed everyone. But importantly, I failed myself. I tried so hard to be the person I am meant to be but it turns out, I am still the same worthless 21-year-old who thought that he can do something for the world. I found out the hard way that I cannot do anything. I am a fool for thinking that the world still needs me. Or that the world even needed someone like me.

I tried. This is what I want to point out. Maybe it is my fault that I never seek help. Maybe it is my fault that I pushed everyone away but what choice do I have? Just because I am hurting all the time doesn't mean that I should share the hurt to people around me. Nobody deserves that. Nobody deserves to be with someone whose only thing to offer is pain. Everyone deserves to be happy. Well, other people deserve to be happy...and that is why I remove myself from everyone.

I know I am never perfect. And maybe I did a lot of mistakes more than an individual is allowed to make in his life. But these past two years also gave me one thing worth remembering: that I have the capacity to care for someone more than I could for myself. I was happy for a brief moment last year and I would cherish that moment forever. I know, I don't deserve her, but I will forever thank her for that.

As of me writing this, I already figured out how to end this existence. I have a date. And between that and now, I'll try to share everything so you'll know what to look for. I hope whatever I've written here will save someone else. I might be too late for me but to you who are reading this, please do try to save people, no matter how hopeless they are. And when you decide to be a friend, just be there, no matter how they push you away.

Please, don't get tired of fighting for people who are tired of fighting for their lives.

Sincerely,
ghostvines15